Question one: Dear Agony Aunt, How do you “clear your mind and clear your heart” when it seems completely impossible? How do you learn to trust again when you feel there is no one and nothing that you can even trust in anymore? When you are a relatively smart lady yet….you can’t make that leap forward? My husband died 4 and a half years ago. The first year after his passing was a nightmare. I considered suicide several times over, not because I wanted to die or leave my family, but because I wanted to see him again…to see if he was ok because surely he must be suffering. The next year was rough as well and I became very robotic. I did my job, I tended to my children and home, but then spent every free minute in bed, unable to find any joy. I was empty. The third and fourth years became better–I opened back up to my circle of friends. I even tried a date or two which went HORRIBLY! Now I have come to think that maybe some of us are meant to be alone and maybe that is ok with the universe? I have met a pretty terrific friend (who is male) and he knows my story (most of it) as we live in the same town. He has been a great “friend” and someone who makes me laugh a lot. He wants to go further and have a real relationship. Why can’t I just jump into this?? Why do I feel like it’s just a waste of time and I should not ever attempt this?? Screwed up forever, Mary.
Dear Mary,I’m so sorry for your loss. You have been tested to your limits and have come through a courageous and strong person.
The best thing in this situation is time and you have worked through the stages of bereavement with dignity. You have been both mother and father to your children and taken on their pain as your own. This has been all consuming and a job that even the toughest of us would avoid if we had the choice. The universe has not missed this. Your efforts and freely given love have been noted. By sending unconditional love out to others and yourself you are constantly clearing your heart. Only the most spiritually advanced people suffer these kinds of tests and you are passing with flying colours. The harrowing pain you have felt will be utilized one day to help others who are suffering a bereavement. You have gained a wealth of knowledge and experience while taking care of your family that could never be learned from a book.
Your husband is resting in peace apart from quietly watching over you all and hoping that things get easier. He is not suffering and doesn’t want you to either. He feels the new friend is a good influence for your children and wants them to have more sports and activities in their life. The kind of thing that a dad would do with his kids, throw a ball or watch a game together.
He’s very proud of you and actually chose you as his sweetheart because of the strength of your character and your zany sense of humor which he wishes you would let out to play more often.
Your new friend is a stepping stone back into a life where unexpected things will not frighten or spook you. There’s a sense of quiet calm about this man that is very reassuring. He is definitely the one to take you forward into the next phase of your life. He too has had his share of grief and understands where you are coming from, will never push you beyond your comfort zone, and has enough patience for both of you. The only time he will get a little frustrated is when you don’t read the signs that things are improving.
The universe is ready to send new, good experiences your way and this man has come along as a shoulder to lean on and a buffer to keep you secure as you begin to emerge back into the world. You are changed by this experience, but in a way where you can be a comfort and an inspiration to others who have suffered in the same way.
Take a deep breath and say yes to a few things even when it scares the pants off you. You will never have this again. You are free now to allow the next phase of your life to start, gently and slowly but definitely moving forward. Continue this friendship as it will grow at the same pace as you are growing.
Sending love and happiness your way. Better days are definitely around the corner.
Agony Aunt.
Question two:
Dear Agony Aunt.
Will I get a new job soon?
Regards,
Deepak Abu Dabi, United Arab Emirates.
Hello Deepak,Thank you for writing to me concerning your career aspirations. I know you are a serious hard worker and career is very important to you. However I am being asked to remind you that you are wealthy beyond belief with your family. Your wife would love you to spend a little more time with the children and enjoy family life. These days are precious and will never come again. Spending more time with the family will develop creativity in you. This helps future work with skills of negotiation, problem solving and insight into how people tick. Also a sense of fun that will make you the more popular choice at interviews.
Your current boss is experiencing some personal difficulties and is channeling his emotions into work. He feels like shaking up the company and this is a good time to ask for changes which will be given serious consideration. Your skills are not being utilized and you may have a sideways move that is more fulfilling. A bigger job with more money will come in the future. For now take your time and enjoy family life.
Best wishes.
Agony Aunt.
Question three:
Dear Agony Aunt,
Hi, I have feelings for a guy I work with, we have been working together for nearly 2 years. He wasn’t in a relationship when I started working there and due to a bout of sickness I had to have 3 and a half months off work, when I came back he had a girlfriend, I was guttered. He split up with her over Christmas and since then he has been showing signs that he likes me. He would maintain eye contact and smile and be very helpful. You could tell, from what other people said at work, that he was hurting over his girlfriend but I never saw him upset and his eyes would light up whenever he passed me or interacted with me at work. I was walking into work one day and he said “do you fancy going out on Saturday” and I said “yeah ok” and he said “great I’ll set it up and let you know where we’re all meeting”.
I went out on the Saturday and we were getting on well, we went into town and he, me and other people from work went to a club. I was having a good time and dancing and he tried to dance with me twice but I just ignored him. As the night went on I asked if I could speak to him and he said ok. I was drunk and told him I had feelings for him. He didn’t say anything for a bit, and I said “do you like me?” He said, “I can’t say if I do and can’t say if I don’t.” I said ok and then he asked me to stop walking and said, “I do have feelings for you too, but my life is so complicated at the moment. I just split up with my girlfriend and I thought we would get married and settle down. You’re beautiful with a good personality, and my head’s totally messed up. Do you really want to be with me?” I said, “Yes” and he said it again and I said “yeah of course, you’re great and good looking.” He looked shy and said “I really don’t see myself that way.” I said “I didn’t use to, but now I do,” and he said “You are, you’re very good looking” and then he said “I’ll probably take you out in a couple of weeks.” We and a few others went back to his house and he put a jacket over my shoulders as I was cold and stared into my eyes so intensely I had to look away and then I went home.
I had 3 weeks holiday off work so I didn’t see him and when I came back he invited me on another work’s night out. The second time we went to a club again and when we were in the queue he had his arm around me the whole time and bought me a rose. We got inside and he started dancing with me and we were very close. After we had stopped dancing, he hugged me tightly for about 3 minutes and wouldn’t let go.
When I got to work the next day one of our co-workers joked that he had seen the pictures of me and the guy I like and that we were very close. I stormed off as I’m very shy and he had been showing him pictures of us being close. He then was acting weird around me and going red. The day after, at work, Valentine’s Day I might add, he was in a very bad mood and I thought it was because of me. I confronted him and he said it wasn’t and that it was the anniversary of his sister’s death. I felt awful and said how sorry I was, but was on a roll now. I asked him if he liked me and he said “of course you’re lovely,” and I said I really liked him. He looked confused, said my name and said “I just don’t know.” I said “it’s OK, you can be honest with me if you don’t feel the same way, I would rather know the truth and he said he was in a bad place right now and wasn’t ready to date and that we work together and if it all went wrong it would be horrible for both of us at work and that he didn’t want me to hurt him like he’s been hurt before. He is a supervisor so I understood. I said I wasn’t asking him for a relationship but just for us to go out for a drink on our own and get to know each other and take it slow. He looked into my eyes for ages and said, “OK we can go for a drink and take it slow and get to know each other.”
I went back to work and that was that. I admit I have been acting hot and cold with him since and he hasn’t mentioned the drink. I’m very confused and would really appreciate any advice on this situation. Sorry it’s so long and thanks to anybody who listens to this.
Rachel
Dear Rachel,Thank you so much for sharing your problem with me. Your message is full of longing for that elusive love to come into your life. When we are mutually attracted to another it is usually for reasons that isn’t always obvious. We all carry information regarding our life lessons and the emotional trauma associated with them. This is stored up in our aura and sends signals to others who may be in a similar situation. This way the lesson can be shared, learned and cleared away, ready for the next exciting phase of life to begin. This is why a strong attraction can be followed by insecurity and fear. Our self-esteem takes a knocking and because of this we may act as if we don’t care, to avoid feeling any more pain. Opening up to another person exposes us to all of the feelings we try so hard to avoid which pour out in an uncontrollable rush of emotion. The highs and lows are all about pushing old hurt and pain to the surface and then experiencing it all over again so we may heal. It’s no wonder we try to avoid it!
These emotional blocks are coming up for healing and clearing so let your feelings flow and be gentle and kind with yourself as they surface.
Your friend has admitted being in a bad place. He is open and honest when he says this. He is not ready to face the grief over his sister, who you remind him of. He is very keen to pursue you as a friend and in time maybe more. You both are experiencing the same fear. Whatever makes you afraid of this relationship will be the place to start on your personal journey towards loving yourself more. Then he will see you in a new light. You have a chance with this guy if you both can let go of fear and learn to trust love again. It won’t always be about pain and fear.
Sending you both love and healing.
Much love,
Agony Aunt
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