I heard about the death of my godmother while I was on vacation. I didn’t feel a bang or a huge loss, I was calm, and after all, I hadn’t had any contact with her for the last 20 years.
By Caroline Palmy
We weren’t that close, still she was my godmother. I know she loved me and only wanted the best for me. I also know that I loved her, and wishing her to feel that all encompassing love now. I realize that we weren’t that compatible, not that close, we were like people speaking a different love language. She couldn’t make me understand that she loved me, and I probably couldn’t make her feel that I loved her either.
I was 14 years old, when she left for Italy, and was far away at a time when there were no mobile phones or Email. Maybe she expected me to initiate contact, maybe I was just too young. I was growing up to become a woman, a wife and a mother without her in my life. I missed the closeness and I missed the understanding and empathy.
Now thinking back, I understand that she couldn’t be any different from who she was. She suffered many hardships in her life, like me, she was a single Mom of three. She became a widow when her 3 girls were still very young. I know bringing up kids on your own is a tough job. Making ends meet doesn’t help either. I understand now that being hard and strong was her only way to cope with it all. Being pushy and hard was her way of telling me that she hoped for me to have a better life than she had. Having no empathy was her way of wanting me to feel no pain. She only wanted the best for me, she wanted me to have everything she didn’t have in her life. She wanted me to fulfill my dreams and not be let down by tragedy and life’s circumstances.
She didn’t allow her feelings out anymore for fear of pain. She encapsulated herself behind hard walls just to cope. She couldn’t let love in anymore because destiny hadn’t been too easy on her.
I know, now that she has passed, she is able to feel that love again, this unconditional love, the all-encompassing love there is. I know her soul is filling up on that love, a love she withheld from herself for far too long. A love she was afraid to let in, a love she might have felt guilty of receiving. A love she is able to spread to all of her loved ones freely now.
Do I feel guilty for not having been in contact? No, not really. I know we all live our lives and that we all deal with our life’s experiences on a different level or in a different way, and that is all ok, everything is ok. We are not here to judge others, we are here to understand that we are all different and still the same. We are here to feel love and let love flow freely. We are here to be compassionate about our life and that of others. We are here to accept that some people close up, that some people have a hard time dealing with challenges, and that is ok. We can only be there and tell them that we are here for them whenever they are ready. We can never change them or help them if they don’t want to be helped. Maybe they have a lesson to learn by being hardened. What do we know? Maybe we have a lesson to learn by seeing them being so hard on everyone and on themselves.
All is very much ok as it is.
I know at the end there is only love. I know on a soul level my godmother and I always loved each other. I feel at peace and hope she has found eternal peace with herself and is fulfilled in the love there is.
I know, now, she can let that love flow freely, not only to herself, but to everyone she was close to, especially to her three wonderful daughters, my cousins who I love very much and feel very close to, especially at this time when we say good bye.
There was only love and love is all there ever will be.
In deep sympathy for everyone who is missing a loved one.
Caroline Doris Palmy
In dedication to my godmother Doris, I use my middle name with love.
No matter how you parted, or what your last words were, remember, there is only love now. Your loved ones want you to lead a happy life filled with joy and laughter. They are here to support you and sending you all their love to give to yourself. Let go of guilt and pain and start living a life filled with love.
If you need help with grief, guilt or pain, I am here for you. Energy Healing is a wonderful tool that is easy and gentle and powerful enough to make you feel better and come to terms with what is.
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