The inspiration for this month’s article is tied to a question submitted by Melissa to the Diamond Wisdom column in this month’s issue. Thank you, Melissa, for your courage in reaching out and for the reflection to others who feel what you’re feeling, but have been unable to ask for help. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone and you deserve to receive what your heart is crying out for.
The stress and challenge that is part of life as a human being can bring feelings of overwhelm, oppression, deep sorrow, hopelessness, and even paralysis. Grief and loss can bring such despair that it is extremely difficult to move forward or to experience pleasure in anything that used to bring a smile to your face. The agony of losing a parent, a child, a life partner or a dearly beloved friend leaves a deep void. Even those who know that a soul does not die and that the connection with the energy of a loved one remains in our heart and available to us must grieve the loss of that dear one in body. We miss their touch, their humor, their voice, and their capacity to accept and love us for who we really are. If the relationship was not supportive, we’re left with unresolved issues, questions and cords that need to heal in us. Holidays are particularly challenging for those grieving the loss of a loved one.
My father died suddenly when he was 38 in a pickup truck accident less than a mile from home when I was 15 years old in December. I vividly remember walking numb, wanting the experience to be a nightmare that could end, and being absolutely jolted by the fact that life went on as usual for my friends and fellow classmates as I struggled to maintain a mask of normalcy to carry on ordinary, everyday activities. When you lose a child or a life partner, you can question life itself and see nothing to live for or look forward to.
Some do their best to avoid or bypass the sorrow of grief by immersing themselves in busy-ness as long as possible each day to keep their mind focused on other things. Many have no idea what to say to those who are grieving, as if mentioning your loss will make it worse for you when it would be so beneficial if they would just ask how you’re doing and how you’re actually feeling, no holds barred. Nobody can change it or fix it for you, but if they could just be there for you, open the door for you to express yourself and listen, it would be so much more supportive than acting as if nothing has changed. Many people fear silence and can’t just be there for you and allow your grief to speak. That is unfortunate – filling the space to avoid silence can hurt you more than expressing your sorrow and uncertainty ever would. My father’s death and the way that others reached out to help and comfort showed me the value of the right questions, of the power of silence and of the kindnesses that matters most – the casserole on the doorstep, the tissue thrust into your hand or the arms that hold you upright when your knees are too weak to stand.
No one can predict how they’ll handle the loss of a beloved one and nobody can tell you how to make your way through this terrain. Trust yourself and trust your inner voice, the one that speaks to you about what you need to keep going. You may need an afternoon in the woods or a day in bed writing in your journal, an hour with a friend who makes tea and is silent, or an hour of screaming and bashing a pillow. Take time for tears and time for unexpected smiles. Ask others for what you do need. Don’t let others tell you what you should be feeling or how you should grieve, but don’t close down so completely that you aren’t open to support and messages that come to you through conversations with others, words on a billboard or TV commercial, nature’s signs, sounds, smells, and symbols. You are not alone but can feel so alone and if your faith has been shattered, follow your heart to reconnect with your internal source at deepened levels, in your own time. Nobody can fill the void of loss but your mourning can shift to a celebration of shared experiences and happy memories.
When grief is compounded by other heartbreak, such as serious and life threatening illness, it can feel as if fear, pain and peace of mind will forever be out of reach.
You may not see the connection between loss of a loved one and serious illness, but both can leave us feeling out of control, fearful, lost, uncertain, angry, powerless, sorrowful, or burdened. We tend to think of healing as ridding ourselves of a condition or as a battle. That language itself makes it much harder to move forward in grace and feeling a strong connection to the divine. When we’re at war with our current condition or circumstance and our goal is to force it to change, to dump it or to get rid of it, we can actually maintain the condition in the friction created by our perception of our experience with illness. Similar to grief, we just don’t want to experience this and yet, we’ve been forced to go through it. There’s no quick fix or easy way out when we’re brought to a halt by grief or illness.
Transformation and sustainable life change often occurs through Illness, crisis or loss; experiences judged as negative when in fact they’re a dramatic call from the soul to listen and open more deeply to life. The ways we’ve learned to manage challenges, stress and various levels of trauma keep our energy locked and bound in limitation. Grief, loss and illness forces you to halt everything and pay attention to yourself and your life. This is not an easy path, but it can create a sudden and total surrender to the divine if you allow it to show you the way that life wants to move through you next. It asks for deepened faith, it requires you to give up preconceived ideas about how life should look and it requires your utmost attention and self-nurturing to listen and take each moment as it arrives, one detail at a time, because you can’t do anything but that. That is enough.
Peace, courage and faith live in you, right now. They are not something you must wait for. Access them now to move forward in grace while respecting your emotions and needs and addressing your fears. Acknowledge and own all of your experiences… you can’t yet see who you’re becoming because of the path you’re on. You will make it through this. It’s a matter of accessing that energy field that is alive and well right in your body and bringing that energy and focus into your everyday life, one step at a time.
This is not always easy, but it is so much simpler than being controlled by fear or being at war with “what is.” Find a counselor, healer or mentor who knows how to help you bridge your internal world to your daily activity and who works with source/divine energy who has the capacity to help you access your inner voice’s guidance so you can reconnect with your inner wisdom. Nurture yourself. Do not judge yourself. You MUST begin by doing at least one thing daily that is just for you because your spirit-infused inner wisdom knows exactly what you need to access a center of peace and a quiet mind.
To begin, use this practice that is foundational for anyone to begin to slow down an overtaxed nervous system and to be reconnected to spirit’s guidance through breath… the breath of life itself. Put your right hand over your heart on your body and your left hand on your lower belly. Breathe DEEPLY 5 times in and out or until you feel a shift… deep belly-expanding breaths. This allows your mind to still and gives your heart and belly a chance to begin communicating to each other (to free up your inner voice to inform your mind). It also calms the adrenal system which is in overdrive. Use this practice OFTEN each day.
You’re much more than a separate localized mind in a body, your soul does not die, you’re connected to everything and everyone on the planet, your inner wisdom is living Source energy ready to communicate with you, and you do matter. With much love, Kimberley.
If your energy feels locked and bound in limitation and you’re experiencing a dramatic call from your soul to open more deeply to life, and want guidance to access the wisdom of the body to get to the root of it contact Kimberley Simon at www.kimberleysimon.com.
