PERFECTIONISM COSTS HAPPINESS Perfection is the enemy of progress How does perfectionism cost happiness? Now, don’t get me wrong, perfectionism can be very useful in some areas of life, many careers require great attention to detail and allow for great success. It is when this type of thinking affects every area of life that this can start to have a negative impact on an individual’s happiness. I know that most perfectionists would argue with me that this is not the case and that they love being a perfectionist, that their high standards give them happiness, but allow me to share this article with you and see if you still agree by the end. To a perfectionist, happiness is perfection and achievement and only that. Therefore, everything else is failure and causes low self-worth and unhappiness. Because they are striving for perfectionism in everything, and this is unrealistic, perfectionists are often left striving, disappointed and unhappy. Being a perfectionist robs you of the enjoyment of the journey of life because, to a perfectionist, everything is about the outcome, the perfect end result being achieved. Although gaining a B grade rather than an A grade in an exam may still be considered a good achievement for many, to the perfectionist this would be considered an absolute failure that would be almost unbearable to them. How do I know this? I, myself, was an overachieving perfectionist for many years of my life. I horse rode in a competitive environment regularly, which I loved, but I had to come first all the time, coming 2nd was totally unacceptable and worse than coming last! This started a pattern of thinking and behaviour that lasted many years until I finally realised how ridiculous my thinking was and how much happiness and enjoyment of life I was missing out on. I then came up with strategies to break this lifelong pattern that had been costing me so much joy.
The Signs of Being a Perfectionist
There are many signs of being a perfectionist. If you answer yes to even some of the list below you are probably prone to perfectionist tendencies.- Having to be right
- Setting many unrealistic and unattainable goals
- Very high standards
- Anything less than the achievement of these goals is deemed as failure, even if very close.
- Extremely hard on self
- Hyper-critical of self
- Focus on mistakes
- Fear of failure
- Excessive checking
- Longer and longer to do lists
- Defensiveness
- Driven by fear of failure
- Procrastination
- Internal worry and anxiety (not always outwardly apparent)
- Worry about how others perceive them
- Depression and highs (without a calm balance)
- Loneliness and feelings of isolation
- Defensive
- Stressed
- Hyperactive
Perfectionism Vs Healthy Achiever
| Perfectionist Thinking | Healthy Achievement Thinking |
| Set unrealistically high standards that are virtually impossible to meet | Set high standards that are reachable and easily achievable |
| Anything less than perfection is perceived as a failure and unacceptable | Enjoy the whole process and are not so invested in the outcome |
| Extremely self-critical, always focussing on what have done wrong or perceived failures | Acknowledge own worth and achievements and part of their own growth and development |
| Become self-critical and disproportionally depressed when experiences perceived failures or set backs | Take set-backs and disappointments in their stride and learn from them with any self-judgement |
| Always aiming for more and more higher goals | A steady progression through trial and error |
| Fear of failure and disapproval are their driving force | Focus on achievement and development for motivation |
| Mistakes and failures are unbearable | Mistakes are opportunities to learn, grow and develop |
| Self-worth is dependant solely on the achievement of their own unattainable high standards | Self-worth is not dependant on results and achievements |
| Defend against criticism as an unbearable personal assault on their character | Take criticism as a form of growth and development to learn and grow from |
Overcoming Perfectionism
When you look at the list, ask yourself the question, do these seem like the traits of a happy, relaxed person? Achieving is fine and can be very rewarding, however, in high achievers this type of thinking isn’t present. They have goals and are pleased when they reach even close to them, they take setbacks and mistakes as positive learnings instead of failures, they can make decisions because it is not the end of the world if they make any wrong decisions, and they can acknowledge their accomplishments along the way, which are completely ignored in perfectionist thinking. Perfectionist thinking robs people of the ability to enjoy life, missing out on so many moments by focusing the negative. But, it is possible to change this thinking and the beliefs that have been formed around it. Perfectionism can also actually hinder success rather than achieving it.Benefits of Overcoming Perfectionist Thinking
The benefits are truly life changing, allowing you to start enjoying each moment of life without constant striving and criticism.- Gain self-worth
- More relaxed
- Less pressure
- Clearer mind
- Feel happier
- Achieve more
Awareness
As with anything else, awareness is the first key to change. Once you are aware that your thinking and behaviour could be falling into any of these categories, then it’s possible to start replacing them with alternative thoughts and behaviours. This may feel a little awkward at first, until the new ways become more natural and established through repetition.
- Decide to Be Happy Rather Than Right This is a major priority shift in thinking for a perfectionist, but can yield amazing results. By choosing to be right over happy means you are relying on outside sources to prove to yourself that you are okay. Choosing to be happy rather than right is an internal decision within yourself that allows you to feel more at peace within yourself, despite external circumstances.
- Develop Realistic Thinking Replacing self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful thoughts such as realising that making mistakes is a normal part of life that allows growth and learning, not the end of the world can be very helpful.
- Set Smaller More Achievable Goals When setting goals, question whether they are realistic and achievable, then break them down into much smaller parts so that you are achieving as you progress, instead of being all about the end result.
- Change Your Inner Critic to an Inner Supporter Because perfectionists are often very critical of themselves, one of the most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to start changing the inner critic’s voice into an inner supporter. Focus on acknowledging even the tiniest of steps of progression or positive intentions, by speaking to yourself with encouragement and support as you would a friend.
- Focus on Progress Instead of Results This is vital in breaking perfectionist tendencies and moving away from results measured self-worth and into developing self-worth in a more natural way. Always acknowledge how far you’ve come at every step.
- Reward Yourself Give yourself constant rewards and encouragement for every small progression your make. This will build up feelings of self-worth and achievement, showing you that the end result is not the be all and end all of everything.
- See the Bigger Picture Instead of getting bogged down in all the microscopic details, step back and see the bigger picture. Ask yourself if it really matters, what’s the worst that could happen? And would that be such a bad thing?
- Prioritise To avoid procrastination, prioritise what is most important and work on that first. Avoid trying to scatter your energy into completing everything to a high standard at once with 100% energy for each.
- Ask for Help If You Need It It does not show failure to ask for help if you need it. In fact the saying “two heads are better than one,” can be very true allowing breakthroughs and progression. You may even enjoy sharing with others instead of trying to do everything yourself.
- Compromise Become more flexible in your thinking, as there are always other options. Black and white thinking can be very limiting, so allowing compromises can be a way to challenge that pattern. If something “has to be a certain way” to be right, could it be possible it could be approached in a slightly different way and still be ok.
- Challenge Perfectionism Like any kind of anxiety related behaviour, it is important to challenge this way of thinking. One way this can be approached is through exposure, where you challenge yourself to break the perfectionist tendencies. By allowing yourself to make a mistake or deciding to spend less time on a project.
- Being instead of Doing As perfectionists only value themselves only on their achievements, they tend to be constantly doing and busy, as when not doing or being busy they feel lost or a failure. Challenge this with regular time for being, know that being is very important and valuable and is a great benefit. Sit, read, or walk, whatever allows you to just be!
