If you would even mention that word “commitment” my entire body would cringe, I would go into complete flight or fight and then faster than the blink of an eye, I was gone.

This bothered me.  Why was I so terrified of commitment?

I was committed in every way, in every part of my life for many years, if anything, I’d say I used to be  addicted to commitment, a little too rigid and overboard.  But when my marriage failed, and everything in my life fell apart, I let that all go, and went the complete opposite way, I developed a “go with the flow” attitude.  I gave up all hope and assumed that I had no control over my life, and then lost all footing and stability.

I found myself floating aimlessly amongst a turbulent sea, life was grabbing ahold of me, I allowed other people to take control of my ore and steer my boat into foreign places, scary places, and uncomfortable places that I did not want to be.  I guess this goes to show, you are what you believe, and since I believed I had no control, I lost control of my life, and put my life into the hands of others.  The suffering I experienced within was even more intense than before.  I felt so lost, alone, un-grounded and out of touch with this reality, I longed to have myself back again.

Then there was that point, the point that I had just had enough.  I was tired and I was weak, but I knew I had to pick myself back up, I had to fight for my life, and fight to be here.  I grabbed control of my boat.  I started steering; I still did not know where I was going, but as I started asking myself some important questions like “who am I?” “What do I want in this life?” “What is really important to me”? Then I could begin to see a path, a vision (my own vision), not somebody else’s vision, in the distant horizon, this felt so right to me, this is what I had been missing. 

It was in those moments of relief that the word commitment became comforting.  When I realized that being committed to something, be it a dream, a relationship, an idea, is really about being committed to yourself.  To be committed is to begin to feel the ground beneath your feet once again.  It means being committed to putting a certain amount of energy into something on a consistent basis.  Eventually no matter what it is, if you stay committed, it will happen.  This gave me the peace and the foundation I was missing as I was lost at sea.  It felt so good to be on land again, it felt good to be home, to decide what I wanted, to love myself enough to know that I can chose a direction, and that I have the strength to do it.  It starts slowly, just by doing small things for yourself, by following through on your words, because in the end, it is YOU that needs to pull through for YOU, and that feels good to love and respect yourself that much.  So grab control of your boat and realize YOU are what YOU have been waiting for!