Useful tips to survive a first Christmas following the loss of a loved one The table is set with the best celebration china. Bing Crosby is crooning on the radio, twinkling coloured lights adorn a majestic tree and mouthwatering aromas drift in from the kitchen. Everything is set for a heartwarming Christmas, but someone is missing. Your heart is laden with sadness as you remember the loved ones no longer around to share the love and joy of the season. This is your first Christmas without them and you are in bereavement. The first year following the loss of a loved one is the most poignant. Each birthday, anniversary or holiday period is painfully packed with emotions. There may be memories of happier times but, during a bereavement, the most recent will often be of pain and suffering. While caring for a loved one, the physical effort is equaled by the mental strain of keeping everything together. People diagnosed with a terminal illness will respond in different ways, but there is a distinct pattern of behaviour. These responses are shock and disbelief, denial, anger and grief, fear and guilt, soul searching, acceptance and resolution. They may also experience depression and isolation as they adjust. To be close to a person as they experience these feelings takes its toll on caregivers and family. At the time of death, the reality of what has happened may take time to sink in. Relief sets in, especially if the illness was painful and drawn out, but this is quickly replaced by guilt. Grief also has a distinct pattern which comprises of anxiety, loss of security and routine. You may feel the need to cry. This is a natural release of emotion so never bottle these feelings up. Agitation, mood swings, lack of concentration and the urge to be doing something are also stages of grief. Anger could be directed at the loved one, other family members and loved ones, professionals, even God. Some stages of grief can be blocked and stuck. Talking this through with a bereavement counselor helps to release these blocks. Guilt over not doing enough or saying everything you meant to say is also normal. In time, the grieving person may suffer depression, emptiness, despair and loneliness. When these feelings engulf you during festivities you may feel guilty for not putting on a brave face and providing the perfect Christmas for friends and family. Allow yourself time to grieve and warn them that you may need time out. Keep arrangements simple. Don’t overload yourself with guests and cooking. Internet shopping can replace the stress of crowded shopping malls and battling through adverse weather conditions. Plan ahead and prepare for grief that may suddenly overwhelm you. Keep photos of your loved one prominent and perhaps set a place at the table for them. Explain to family and friends that you may not be your usual fun self. Look after each other as a family. Allow others space to grieve. Listen carefully to their stories and memories, even if they repeat them over and over again. Be extra kind to yourself. Create a ‘tool box’ of things that give you comfort and pleasure. Regularly choose something from the box and indulge yourself. Christmas is a time for religious and spiritual nourishment. Visit a church, create a shrine or pray. Connect to God and the Angels. Ask for guidance and help. Your guides are on standby waiting to support and love you. New Year’s Eve is a time for reflection and making new goals without your loved ones. It’s time for a fresh start strengthened by your experiences. Appreciate the opportunity to learn from the journey you took together. Praise yourself for gaining strength and compassion during this rite of passage. One day you will use this wisdom to help another grieving soul. Your loved ones have gone home, transitioned to a place free from pain and filled with love. They wish you to be happy and healthy. In their honour positively love yourself and be optimistic for the future. Views:]]>